"Done it good. Hang on, they're not ready to start yet. or otherwise we 
finish too far away from the label. You can't charge these prices and 
finish halfway across the record. I told them to put a bigger label on, 
but they wouldn't listen.
Wonder if the had labels on the cylander's. No I suppose they used to 
put little notes inside them, like they do with milk bottles. 
Right, I think were ready to go. We'll just hang on for a few seconds 
for those who are bit slow in turning it over.
Ready, right.
Now I must explain that all artistes, at one time or another get 
threatning letters. No well that's fair enough, that's what we get paid 
for, it's part of the job. For the money they pay one, one must be 
prepared for a few punch ups now and again.
If you got one, what would you do with it. Take it down to the police 
station. Well don't, thats where I made my first mistake."

Williams: "There, there sir, calm down, stop shaking sir. You're quite safe, 
you're in a police station now. Nothing should happen to you here. 
Now what seems to be the trouble?"
Hancock:"Constable, this letter arrived this morning"
Williams:"Let's see. Dear Sir,   better place without you and your kind... 
Intend to eliminate you, prepare to meet thy doom. Is it a friend of 
your's?"
Hancock:" Hardly sounds like it"
Williams:"Well do you recognise the handwriting?"
Hancock:"It's type written"
Williams:"Oh yes, so it is. It's very well written you know. A nice turn of 
phrase. I mean - Prepare to meet thy doom. Yes, quite well out init"
Hancock:"I'm not interested in the literally ability of the gentlement 
concerned. I want to know what you're going to do about it"
Williams:"Well, what do you suggest"
Hancock:"It's not up to me to suggest that's your job"
Williams:"i don't really know. Do you want me to have a word with the 
gentleman?"
Hancock:"Have a word. How you going to find him?"
Williams:"The police have their methods. As soon as he stikes, we'll have 
him"
Hancock:"What goods that to me?"
Williams: "Oh yes, well it is rather unfortunate you being number one on 
the list. But we've got to think of the others on the list, haven't we"
Hancock:"I'm not interested about the others on the list. I am the one who 
told you about him, surely that must entitle me to some sort of priority"
Williams:"You must appreciate our position sir, we've got nothing to go on. 
Until he strikes, we don't know who he is."
Hancock:"Well that'll be too late then, I'll be gone"
Williams:"Why don't you get in touch wth him and asking if he's mind 
moving you down the list"

Hancock:" You don't seem to be very interewst in this do you? If I could get 
in touch with his, so could you and arrest him"
Williams:"Supposin' you leave the letter with us. I'll have it sent to the 
crime lab, for analysis"
Hancock:"We know what it says, that's all the analysis I need"
Williams:"Ah yes, but there's other things the letter says's that you can't 
see. I mean, there might be a thread from his suit, or some bits of sand 
from under his fingernails"
Hancock:"And what would that tell you?"
Williams:"Well, it helps to build up a composite picture of him. It tells us, he 
wears a suit with a thread missing"
Hancock:"So as soon as he turns up to claim that thread, we got him. How 
did you get in the police force?
Williams:"Now now sir, don't lets adopt that tone of voice. We're doing all 
we can. Now let's have a ponder about this. Um ah - Is that your car 
parked outside"
Hancock:"Yes it is"
Williams:"Do you realise that it hasn't got any lights on and it's an offence 
to park in a main street without any lights on."
Hancock:"Look my life has been threatened"
Williams:"That's no excuse for breaking the law. It's an offence to park 
without lights on. I'm afraid I'll have to make a report"
Hancock:"wait a minute what are you talking about. It's broad daylight, it's 
ten O'clock in the morning"
Williams:" Oh oh of course it is. What was I thinking about. It's this 
changing over from nights. It's my first morning back on days and old 
habits die hard you know. Well now, yes, well don't you worry, if we 
find your dog rest assured, we shall..."
Hancock:"As a matter of interest, did you get any sleep when you were on 
nights. I haven't lost my dog, I'm the man that bought the letter"
Williams:"Who's if for?"
Hancock:"It's for me"
Williams:"So what did you bring it here for then"
Hancock:"Look, lets start again. I received this letter Which has threat.... Is 
there another police station around here"
Williams:"Well you leave it with us sir, we'll attend to it"
Hancock:"Yes, but what if I wake up one night and find him standing over 
me with a hammer"
Williams:"We'll in that case the correct procedure is to pick up the 
telephone, dial East Cheam 9739, when they answer ask for 
extension 7395 and ask to speak to Constable Perkins, that's me. If 
I'm not there, try the billiards room"
Hancock:"Thank you very much, I'm sure he'll wait while I do it"
Williams:"Well good luck sir, I'm sure we'll reach the bottom of this 
mystery."
Hancock:"Thank you constable you'bve been most helpful"
Williams:"Not all sir, that's what we're here for. Detection work is not all 
dashing about in cars like you see on the telly. We might seem slow 
and unmethodical in our methods, but rest assured the whole 
Metropolitan police Force will be mobilised and working on your behalf"
Hancock:"Now that's more like it, that's what I came to hear"
Williams:"Yes you go home sir and get a good nights sleep and don't 
worry anymore about it. We'll have him under lock and key in no time 
at all"
Hancock:"Thank you very much, I am most reassured"
Williams:"Goodbye sir"

Kerr:"Who was that Harry"
Williams:"Oh some krank with a threatning ketter. Nothing worth worrying 
about. Okay you off then, double four for a game"

"Well there it is. Could have happened to anybody. Anyway I'd just 
like to say thank you for buying the record, or if your listening to it in a 
record shop, don't mess about, buy it. 
Not for me but think of the bloke who owns the shop, the poor devil. 
He's got a living to make, the same as the rest of us.
But don't let him fob you off with Beethoven, he's dead and doesn't need the money as much as I do
Thank you again, that's all. When I count to three, take the needle 
off. One, two three"

